the backstage epiphany

where reality is so subjective it's entirely optional

Monthly Archives: July 2006

What women want

Got this from Alvie:

Find a guy who calls you “beautiful” instead of “hot/cute”. Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who puts you in his arms and sings for you. Who lies under the stars with you and listens to your heart, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the boy who pursues you, who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who is not afraid to show his feelings and holds your hand in front of his friends. The one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you. The one who praises you and admires your talent from time to time. The one who sees no other girl in his eye but you, (own addition here) and who has no other girl in his heart but you. The one who dreams to have a future with you. The one who turns to his friends and says, “That’s her.”

How many women actually get all of that?



“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” – Charles Dickens, A Tale Of Two Cities

When Charles Dickens wrote that, Carrie Bradshaw believed he was having an affair with his married ex-boyfriend.

I believe the affair was in fact between the boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend, and poor Charlie had to turn a blind eye and deaf ear to it all.

Charles Dickens had never portrayed it better.

Relationship debris

After getting into current relationship had already destroyed and deleted all old photos, and now these two rings are all that are left of a disastrous two-year relationship. Am wondering if should sell them, in the hopes of blotting out every last memory of that relationship, which is really what should be doing since am already another relationship.

When we get out of a relationship and into a new one, isn’t it only right that we should let everything from the previous one go, in order to move on with the new one? So why is it so hard for some people to let go? Why do some people feel the need to cling on to the past, when the present is already there for them? Why do some people feel the need to have both? What happened to out with the old, in with the new?


After much contemplation, have decided not to sell, but to ship the rings from aforementioned disastrous relationship back to Malaysia so that the mother can put them away for safekeeping. And as am not planning to set foot in that country for at least another five years, the rings will be safely out of sight and memory for at least that long. So tomorrow am going to FedEx to get them expressed home. As they say, out of sight, out of mind.


The white flag

sur·ren·der Audio pronunciation of "surrender" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (s?-ren?d?r)
v. sur·ren·dered, sur·ren·der·ing, sur·ren·ders
v. tr.

  1. To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.
  2. To give up in favor of another.
  3. To give up or give back (something that has been granted)
  4. To give up or abandon
  5. To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion

In the end, no matter how hard we try, we must stop fighting the losing battle and give in to what we know will happen.

Turn a blind eye and a deaf ear

Apparently it’s the key to happiness.

In a funny way, have come to dread every single night between midnight and 1:30AM. The routine has become more frequent, and there is no way of stopping it, although am dimly aware that unless am dead sure of own convictions, there isn’t any real reason to stop it. Yet the fearful dread of it appears at around this time every night like clockwork, and am hating self for it.


her·mit Audio pronunciation of "hermit" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (hûr’mĭt)
n. A person who has withdrawn from society and lives a solitary existence; a recluse

lep·er Audio pronunciation of "leper" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (lĕp’ər)
n. A person who is avoided by others; a pariah.

cul-de-sac Audio pronunciation of "cul-de-sac" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kŭl’dĭ-săk’, kŏŏl’-)
n. A dead-end street.

Have turned into one. A hermit/leper who’s in an emotional cul-de-sac. And am mighty tired of it.

For reasons wrong or right

Was just talking to an old friend from high school, whom up until about three weeks ago, had not spoken to in four and a half years. Never mind that it took only a week to catch up. Today he asked about going back to Malaysia after graduation. Had forgotten to tell him that have absolutely no inclination whatsoever of setting foot in that country for at least the next five or ten years, as am planning to get a job here immediately (if possible) after graduating in December.

As the conversation progressed, was faced with the harrowingly galling realization that the real reason for wanting to remain in this country is not so much as to work toward something, but more to run away from something — something that only very recently killed off any thoughts of going back to Malaysia. It was something to do with the past, but it now seems very much present, even though have been conscientiously ignoring/avoiding it for well over a month now. Am very much aware that for as long as am not back home, will not be faced with that problem.