the backstage epiphany

where reality is so subjective it's entirely optional

Monthly Archives: February 2007

Note to self

How did it come to this? What’s happened to you? Qu’as-tu fait?

You always had a good head on your shoulders. You knew exactly what you wanted and how to get it. You always knew what you could have stood to lose and the risks you were taking, but you also knew how to get around that and still in the end get what you wanted. But how did it come to this?

Was it because you’d been burnt so many times? Was that why you unconsciously took it out on the next person? You knew how it felt to have been betrayed over and over again, and yet you did it yourself. The inability to let go of all the past anger and hurt has in turn caused you to hurt the person you love most. You always tried to get past it, but what made it so difficult? In the back of your mind you always knew you could have done it easily, but what caused all the relapses?

After the last few months, you knew you’d found what you were looking for, but you were slowly throwing it away. Was it because it had come too easily, or because you thought you could always get it back somehow? Ou tu ne l’as pas aimé assez? No, you did, with your whole life. Then how could you have done this? You knew what you stood to lose.

Now you know where you stand, and what you must do. You did it yesterday, but you have to hold yourself to it to make it work. And yet, in the end, we all get what we deserve. So is it all too late? Whether it is or not, you know you still have to do it, for your own sanity and peace of mind, et pour ton amour.


The aftermath

The strangest thing happened today. Someone Googled the Ennio Morricone concert and found that it was mentioned in this blog, and added me on MSN. This stranger was in the audience at Radio City Music Hall, and talked to me about the show. Then he mentioned this to someone else, who also added me on MSN, and sent pictures of the concert to me.

Was checking Xanga Footprints, and saw that someone from Quebec had leapt onto this page from a forum dedicated to legendary film director Sergio Leone, and found that there was an entire thread about Ennio Morricone’s Radio City concert. And while reading it, this jumped up:

Also found some news online about Ennio Morricone’s concerts:

And we’re on Youtube!

Ennio Morricone in concert at Radio City Music Hall
Featuring the New York Virtuoso Singers, Canticum Novum Singers and UB Choir

Can I do it?

Sometimes you look around and wonder what the point is anymore. Kind of like what the point is of staying in the relationship when you know he’s cheating on you. Or what the point is of keeping the car if all it ever does is die on you. Or what the point is of staying on the job if the company that hired you might end up not sponsoring your H1 visa, even though one of the reasons took the job in the first place was the higher possibility of getting the H1 anyway.

Will now be reduced to one or all of the following:

a) Fighting tooth and nail for the H1
b) Staying on this job while looking for another one that will ensure an H1
c) Marrying a citizen

Will obviously choose (d) All of the above.

Toughening up

The weekend has come and gone, and it’s back to work tomorrow. The first week of training is, thankfully, over, with two more weeks to go. Has been tiring, as waking up at dawn and driving in hail and snow all the way to bloody Lackawanna to sit and listen to people talk and talk for eight hours a day is enough to wring a person’s nerves taut. This coming week will be learning Therapeutic Crisis Intervention a.k.a. physical restraints, in case the kids start fighting. Next week will be observing at designated houses, and after February 23 the real work will start.

Have been assigned to Nelson Cottage, which is where the ‘juvenile delinquents’ are housed, and will be working from Sunday to Wednesday. On weekdays will start work at 2:30PM until as late as midnight, and on Sunday will be at the house the entire day, from morning to midnight, because the kids won’t be at school. Was able to meet the boys at Nelson on Friday, and fortunately, they’re more or less normal, as they were just sent to Baker Victory by the courts for petty crimes.

The unfortunate part is that will not be able to stay out till too late on Saturdays anymore, as will have to be at work by 9AM or 10:30AM on Sunday morning. The only good thing about this is that on weekends most of the kids go home, so the house will be quieter on Sunday and will not be running around too much.

“I want that.”

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is go against our principles. Whether it was a feeling that was suddenly triggered by something or someone, or a feeling that had been dormant all our lives and was just waiting to slowly arise, we eventually realize that we’re ready to live for the things that we’d always spoken and felt so very strongly against. And we realize how difficult it is to stop putting up the strong front that had always shielded us so comfortably; how difficult it is to get off our high horses and finally admit that we’ve been wrong, and that we want to do what we’d always sworn we’d never do. To admit that we want to have what we’d always vowed we’d never have. And that’s when we can’t wait for the time to come when we can really do and have all that.

Once in a lifetime

Am home from Manhattan, and admittedly rather downhearted about it. As nice as Boston, Seattle, Beverly Hills and Washington, DC, are, there’s really no place like Manhattan. Will not be able to go there for a good while after this, as will begin training for new job tomorrow morning, and consequently will start working.

The Morricone concerts were fabulous, even though Maestro Ennio Morricone himself is, as Rob put it, ‘a cranky old man I want to throw rocks at’. He’s 78 years old, Italian, doesn’t speak a word of English, and extremely temperamental. He had an interpreter with him the entire time, and she was the closest the choir got to communicating with him. The entire crew and orchestra flew in from Italy, including the opera singer who had a solo part in The Good, The Bad And The Ugly. Felt rather intimidated at times, especially because Professor Rosenbaum’s Canticum Novum Singers and New York Virtuoso Singers were, as usual, rather high-and-mighty towards the UB Choir.

Arrived in Manhattan on Tuesday, after which went to drop luggage off at hotel, the Regency Inn & Suites on 34th St and Seventh Ave, then went to Chinatown to eat and back to Herald Square to walk around the stores until it was time to check in. After checking in, went to Macy’s to look for a decent black dress to wear for the concerts, and thankfully was able to find one, which am returning to the Macy’s in Boulevard Mall as will not need a long black dress for at least another five years or so.

On Wednesday was able to go on the usual Fifth Ave rounds at Saks Fifth Avenue, Bergdorf Goodman, and the other designer stores. Also went on the hunt for the Christian Louboutin shoes which am still on the waitlist for because they haven’t arrived from Paris yet, but was able to try on another pair of similar 5-inch heels, which the delightfully gay salesman said were ‘so sex!’ Then had to go back to Fifth Ave on Thursday to pick up a number of items which was waitlisted for at Louis Vuitton, and after dropping them off back in the hotel, went down to Bloomingdales on Lexington Ave and browsed around before meeting the choir for the first rehearsal at the United Nations.

The first rehearsal turned out to be a mild disaster, as nobody knew what to expect from Ennio Morricone, who in turn expected the choir to anticipate what he wanted. Professor Rosenbaum was freaking out (and for the first time since joining the choir three years ago, I heard him say fuck) and trying to calm Morricone down. Clearly it didn’t matter that the UN General Assembly Hall was not built for performances of any sort, and clearly it didn’t matter that the choir couldn’t hear one another and therefore kept getting lost and dropping in pitch.

On Friday, went back Lexington and Third Avenues to browse the stores before going back to the UN for the rehearsal and concert. It was agonizing standing on stage the entire time waiting to sing, and when it was over the audience applauded Morricone so much that he had to give two encores. Then yesterday, met up with Natalie and Teresa from the choir for lunch before going to Radio City Music Hall for the soundcheck. Thankfully, there were chairs onstage for the choir to sit whenever we didn’t have to sing, so it wasn’t as torturous as it had been on Friday. Once again, the audience applauded so tumultously and were so adamantly standing up that Morricone had to give three encores that time.

So it’s all over now. Went to thank Professor Rosenbaum before leaving Radio City for the last three years in Choir, and when he heard that I might not be going back to Choir, he gave me a hug. Love Professor Rosenbaum.

Took the 11AM flight back to Buffalo today, and Rob was on it too, because after trucking down to Manhattan in the bus with the rest of the choir on Thursday, he refused to go back with them. Arrived at a little past noon, and am now trying to stop pretending that am still a student and not about to join the rat race all too soon.