the backstage epiphany

where reality is so subjective it's entirely optional

Monthly Archives: March 2007

Chin up

Probably from the time I was old enough to walk, I was taught that to be considered a lady, I had to learn to walk and run in heels, keep my chin up, never show any emotion or expression in public, and never let people know what I was thinking or feeling, because it was a sign of weakness. If those lessons had a fatality potential, they would have killed me many times over the past nine years.

We all try to put up the bravest front we can at every opportunity, as part of the defense mechanism that develops along with puberty. And yet that only makes us think more about our problems and try to deal with them ourselves, and in the process drag ourselves even further down, until we’re in an emotional hole so deep it would take six firemen to get us out. When will we learn that sometimes it’s OK to face uncertainty over certain things? That it’s OK to be afraid of being alone? That it’s OK to sometimes give in to the desperation that sweeps over us? That it’s OK to take as much time as we need to mend a broken heart?

Yes, sometimes when I’m at work and I look around at the adolescent boys who grate on my every last nerve, I feel like walking out of the cottage, because I might never get that H1 anyway. When I think of the H1 I might never get I feel like just giving up trying and going home to my mother so that I can bawl my eyes out in her lap. When I think of my mother I feel like I going home just so I know that at least she won’t break my heart and leave me alone for at least another fifteen years. When I think of the heart that’s been broken so many times that it will never fully heal, I feel like putting all the ex-boyfriends on a hitlist and slowly and methodically killing them off one by one. When I think of that hitlist, I know that even mass murder will never mend my broken heart and take away the humiliation. And when I think of the humiliation I’ve had to face over and over again for the last nine years, my bitter and cynical side takes over and I wonder how I can ever afford to show any emotion in public, at the risk of betraying the humiliation that I bear day in and day out.

To Sofiya, Shirley and Luna:

There is no need to be afraid of feeling alone or unsure about the present and future. We all have our moments of desperation, but if we can face them head-on, that’s when we find out just how strong we really are.

When you think you’ve lost everything, don’t think about it, because God loves you.

If only I could take my own advice.