the backstage epiphany

where reality is so subjective it's entirely optional

Monthly Archives: August 2007

Preparing for the worst

On New Year’s Day 2005, a woman went to visit her cancer- and bedridden father, and her trained doctor’s eye saw that he was looking rather peaky. Realizing that her father was probably going to die any day, she called the rest of the family together so that they could come and see him one last time. She also began making funeral arrangements, which led certain family members to criticize her for being pessimistic enough to believe that her father was really going to die; ‘coaxing him into his coffin’ was how someone put it. But she saw it as being realistic enough to accept that the end was near and having the presence of mind to prepare for the worst so that the unpleasantness and shock would be somewhat mollified. Two days later, her father died.

The mans came over last night and upon entering the bedroom and discovering that the hideous stuffed animals were gone and the shelves next to the desk were empty save for the printer, he thought all was lost and the time had come to start packing up to go home. After being reassured that the slightly emptier bedroom was merely the result of purging the apartment of all unwanted items so as to avoid clutter, he proceeded to bemoan how ‘cleaning up’ was a sign of getting ready to give up on the H1 — or lack thereof — and go back to Malaysia. So I told him that I had to stay in this frame of mind so as not to jinx my chances of actually getting the H1, and so that if it ever came to the prospect of going home, the blow would not fall as hard or hurt as much.

So is preparing for the worst a sign of overwhelming and unnecessary discouragement, or just astonishingly insightful forethought? Are we getting ready to throw in the towel, or are we just trying not to jinx ourselves, given how slim the chances already are? Maybe we’re just realistic enough to know that until everything is down in black and white, or until we hear that affirmation, nothing is ever really certain, and therefore we can’t just sit around and tell ourselves, “Everything’s going to be all right.”



I’m here.
Through all the tears and troubles, I’m here.
Through all the fun and laughter, I’m here.
Even though every single day is an excruciating effort not to fold the cards, I’m still here.
Even though every single night is a struggle not to admit defeat and give up, I’m still here.
No matter how far away you stray, I’ll still be here.
No matter how long it takes for you to come back, I’ll still be here.
In spite of everything, I need you to know I’m here.

Projekt Revolution 2007

Went to watch Linkin Park at Darien Lake yesterday. Was AMAZING. Got there at 12:45PM only to discover that there would be something like twenty-five headliners and Linkin Park would only come on at 9:15PM. So the mans declared that he wasn’t going to spend all day watching other bands perform and decided to go into the amusement park. Went on a Ferris wheel for the first time in years, and another ride called the Twister where was flipped upside down many times and therefore made the perpetual headache worse.

Went back to the arena at about 4:45PM to watch the last few headliners, which were Placebo, HIM, Taking Back Sunday and My Chemical Romance, before Linkin Park came on. The mans had managed to procure tickets very near the front, and right in the middle, so the view was incredible. Surprisingly all the bands came out on time, and by the time it was Linkin Park’s turn everyone was driven to near-madness (the mans was so excited it was so cute). The show ended at almost 11PM, but by the time had fought the traffic out of Darien Lake to the I-90 exit and arrived home it was close to 1AM.

Was a day of firsts, really. It was the first time had been to Darien Lake since coming to Buffalo, the first time seeing Linkin Park live, and the first time had had fun in a very, VERY long time.