the backstage epiphany

where reality is so subjective it's entirely optional

The day the music died

“I don’t mean to be rude, but Bec asked me to add you.”

Has it really been 11 months? Was it really 342 days ago that you said those words to me? It seems like only yesterday when we were talking as though we’d known each other forever, when we actually believed we “understood each other completely, and not just in words,” as you put it. And yet it seems so long ago that it all suddenly ground to a halt, when we started becoming strangers, to the point where we barely even speak to each other anymore.

Who would have thought it would all come to this? Who would have thought that two people who were thousands of miles apart could be closer than they ever were in the same city? Then again, it was my fault. I failed to see the signs, failed to pull out the red flags, all because I thought if I just kept trying, I could make it better.

I often wonder why I waited, even up until now. You never wanted me to, and yet I did. Was it stubbornness, a twisted determination, misguided faith, wishful thinking, blind hope, or just plain stupidity? In a way I wish I hadn’t, because it turned me away from everything else in my life; yet in a way I’m glad I had, because it taught me so much about you and so much more about myself.

Over time it did get a little better. As long as I didn’t think about it, and didn’t think about you, the pain was easier to bear. Hopefully soon enough all that will be left are the fondness of the memories and the gratitude for the lessons. And one day I’ll be able to take them down from the top shelf of my closet: the shoes I could never bring myself to wear and the book I bought months ago but have yet to read, because no matter how much they mean to me, the sight of them reminds me of you, and that’s when the pain returns.

I always wondered why you could never bring yourself — you, who were always so forthright in other matters — to say it, because it was clear that the problem wasn’t that you didn’t know what you wanted, but that you knew what you didn’t want. But it wasn’t your fault; silly girl that I was, I allowed myself on occasion to believe that if you didn’t say it, it meant that it wasn’t true, because you seemed to keep leaving and coming back, but deep down, I knew that I never needed to wait for you to tell me that you didn’t want to try, that you never meant to try. I knew that at some point I would have to walk away without being told, and without having to say a word.

There is no feeling like that of knowing that you’ve found everything you want in a person; getting them to believe and accept it is just a separate part of the deal. I truly hope you will find what you’ve been looking for, both in yourself and in the one you want to love. I hope that you will finally believe that you can be loved the way you deserve to be, and I hope that you will one day accept that you can be loved exactly the way you are.

Adieu, cheri.

“He may have been yet another one to break your heart, but I think the fact that you ever tried this at all, after everything you’ve been through with all the others over the last few years, just means that your heart is stronger than his will ever be.” – Mom

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