the backstage epiphany

where reality is so subjective it's entirely optional

Monthly Archives: July 2010

Only white noise

I’m off again! In 12 hours I will be waking up on the beautiful island of Boracay in the Philippines, where I can finally feel at home once more by the sea and shores of White (yes, literally white) Beach. Unfortunately, I may not be able to go diving this time — although I’ve threatened on several occasions to leave Afham snorkeling on the surface whilst I dive — but this trip will be a time to rediscover some of the things that have brought me to where I am now, and hopefully regain the peace that has eluded me for so long. And as this may be the last vacation I can go on for a long time, I’m going to try and shut the rest of the world out.

I’ll be back on Saturday, and hopefully I’ll see you in all your green sexiness on Sunday.

À bientôt!

Green for good

Because I’m extremely excited about this that is slated to happen next weekend, all thanks to my friend Kaiyisah and her Band of Merry Green Maids, I’m putting this here in the interest of my local followers who may have already or are thinking to become part of the green movement, and also the charitably-inclined.

Somewhere I don’t sleep anymore

Three options (Cancel does not count) my life does not have - taken with BlackBerry Bold 9700

I discovered a few days ago that an old boyfriend of mine recently got engaged. To say that I was surprised at the engagement would be somewhat inaccurate; the girl, after all, is someone he was in a long-distance relationship with for two-odd years until, some five years ago, he decided he would like to try on the philanderer’s hat. It was inevitable that they would get back together after I turned it into a win-win situation by shipping him off to her in sunny California.

What actually surprised me was that this man — who was the sole reason I spent the entire summer of 2006 bawling my eyes out over the phone to Becca in my walk-in closet, and subsequently the reason my weight nosedived down to a very happy 110lbs — was able to bounce back from making those hideous mistakes, and even end up making an honest woman out of her now.

We spend our lives making mistakes, doing things to hurt people who in no way deserve any of them, and come away from it dusting ourselves off and promising to do better. But we never really apologize for them because admittedly, there is not much use in being sorry for something that should never have happened in the first place. And if we were all to be completely honest with ourselves, we’re probably more sorry for being caught than for doing it in the first place.

How do we know, then, that in the end, things will somehow become all right again? If there is so much excruciating truth to be found in ‘Sorry is not a valid currency’, how do we live with ourselves knowing that we have irrevocably hurt someone we loved and who loved us, and we’re not given a chance to make up for it? And on the rare occasion that we are given the chance, how do we live with the reminder that we screwed up, because there is virtually no way to forgive if we can’t forget?

What do we do when we can no longer Sleep our way to redemption or Restart what we Shut Down?

My lucid dream

I thought of nothing else today
So I closed my eyes and began to pray
I prayed that if it was supposed to be
Please bring it here for me to keep
But if it was not good for me
Then take it away and set me free

After I prayed I fell asleep
And slipped into my lucid dream
I dreamed of how it could have been

And yet I knew it was a sin

Given time, this dream will fade
And then — only then — I’ll be OK

– Inspired by Aziah

It’s been long enough, I think — not that I should have been counting in the first place. Whether by two days or two years, it’s been long enough. I needed to know if there was a reason for all this to happen, a sign that it might be good for me or meant for me, but now I will admit that it was all merely a dream — the kind of dream that makes waking up feel even more unreal than the dream itself.

But thank you for letting me dream again. It’s time I woke up now, because I know that no matter how long this dream lasts, I will never see you in it.

Shifting sands

You’re gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
Because everybody’s changing
And I don’t feel right

Keane, Everybody’s Changing –

Just when I thought the sand and dust had settled and I was finally in a secure, stable place, something has kicked it all back up. Kicked it back up so violently that now I can barely see straight, and can only sit tight and wait for it all to settle back down. The real problem is that now that everything has changed so much in just a few short days, and the dust is swirling again, I’m subconsciously trying not to let it settle for a while.

Lights, camera, dream

I spent this past weekend shooting for the new short film Every Breath You Fake. After months of mental preparation, weeks of physical realization and gastronomical abstinence, everything and everyone finally came together to make one little idea a reality. Suffice to say, what I had to do for this film was unlike anything I’d ever done in previous films. And even though it left me feeling a little violated, it felt good — almost exhilarating, even — to be able to stretch my abilities and bring my love for acting to a whole new level.

It was also great to be working with actors like Jackie Chow from Hong Kong, who is able to understand what is expected of him and be able to adapt to the atmosphere of a scene, yet still add his own touch to it without looking like he’s trying too hard. And given the nature of our scenes together, he helped me a lot by making me comfortable enough to be as natural as possible, even though there were a few unprecedented factors that somewhat crippled my acting on the last day.

The weekend of shooting reminded me of why I’ve loved acting ever since I was as young as five. Using my imagination to visualize scenes that the directors want, allowing myself to feel emotions that I normally try to suppress, and pushing my boundaries beyond what is socially acceptable, I’m extremely grateful to have been given the chance to be a part of productions like this. The hard part, as always, is when it’s all over and I have to wake up to the harsh and unpleasant reality of my life.

The only difference is that this time, waking up feels even more unreal than the actual make-believe of the weekend.

Year half full

Amidst a haze of camera flashes, seawater, barracudas, fighting and making up, the first half of the year has ended. It breaks my heart because the second half won’t go by any more slowly, and I’m not getting any younger or closer to the goals I’ve set for myself. And now, with the decisions I’ve recently (and consciously) made, I do and don’t want to see what the rest of the year will bring.